lovefear

Three years back, his usual greetings used to start by calling me as ‘princess’ or ‘sweetheart’. When those endless nights, he didn’t want me to go to sleep, so that we could talk peacefully. Waiting for each other after classes get over, mutual gift-giving, sharing gazes and smiles, being teased by fellow class mates. When all of our conversations used to be soaked with motivation and appreciation for each other.

Now, when life has changed on so many levels and so have we. Now, when someone else is his ‘princess’ and his priority. He’s happy to put me aside and not fulfill his promises, so many overwhelming promises we made to each other. Those were the times when we were intangibly, in a relationship, because of the way he used to talk to me, and the way we felt for each other.

TODAY. As I sit down with distrust, slight hatred and agony for relationships, attachments and letting somebody else consume me. Why cant I get myself to see a guy from the eyes of love? or from the soul for a blissful intimate relation? Why can’t I trust? Why do I fear?

Its not because I don’t trust or like guys. No.
They are faithful friends. Yes they are.
But what I fear, is the way they try to consume me and render promises that never materialize. The way he changed completely, the way he literally ‘be fooled’ me with all those intimate conversations, which gave me rapturous expectations, shattered later. Expectations broken. Relationship broken. Promises, trust and attachments broken.

Its the love that I fear. Its the relationship dynamics that I m scared of. Its the baseless statements they give, its those influential and overwhelming remarks they give, its the promises they make, only to break them later. This consumes me, this makes me want to give over my priorities for him. This is harmful. This gives me expectations, expectations that he won’t take care of.
Maybe they call this initial phase of luring the girl or impressing, as casual flirting. But, for some girls like me, this is harmful.
It is harmful because we start believing whatever he says, from the bottom of our hearts. We start seeing ourselves with him, as if no other girl can be as important for him, than us. We start trusting him with all our heart and soul. And then later, all of this just becomes a story/memory of the past. And suddenly, we are expected to accept that he’s no longer ours, and all that he used to tell me, was a ‘mere joke’. Suddenly, we are treated as nobody, from ‘his priority’ to his ‘hi / hello friend’. Suddenly, we are shown the mirror. ‘I was fooled; taken for granted’.

It is harmful because in that initial phase of the relation, when for him, he’s trying to woo the girl, he makes all the attempts to hide his flaws and imperfections. So that, the girl automatically sees him as ‘perfect’. But, later when she sees him for what/how he actually his, she tends to ‘get scared of him’ for his flaws/imperfections. Scared and ‘Fear’ because, she never knew about these flaws earlier, she finds out that she fell for a guy who hid his real self, just for luring her, or even worse, taking advantage of her sweetness and docility, because, of course, she trusted him. But, after discovering his real persona, she can’t get herself to trust him again. She is scared. She is in fear.

I fear this. I fear love. I am not willing to give over my priorities for someone else. I cannot let him consume me. I do not want my life, to be driven by his wishes and decisions. I do not want to get up in the morning, sacrificing my sleep, just to make breakfast for him or take his clothes out of the wardrobe. I do not want to live in a constant fear of being cheated on or of being put in the dark realms, while he is busy giving his time and space to someone/somewhere else. I do not want to get consumed by love, which ultimately distracts me from my career goals and priorities.
I might be sounding very selfish, arrogant and ambitious here, but, this is my emotional and mental disposition and I m just laying down what I believe in as of now. My thoughts and opinions about this might change with time, but, right now, this is what I am.

All that I can pray for is, to not have even a remote or chance encounter with a guy like him again, in my life, Ever.
Never Ever.
I do not want to meet anyone like him, who after 4 years of delightful friendship and companionship with me, gave his commitment and loyalty to somebody else altogether.
I might be fearing love now. But, its the indispensable truth of life. Everyone finds a true companion at some point of time or the other. I do not fear that.
All I want is, the next person who becomes a part of my life in that context, becomes my forever.
He should be the one. He should be constant companion. He should be my Prince. and if he’s not, then he simply should NOT try to take away my time or my priorities. If the otherwise happens, then I don’t think then, there would exist a sin for me in my life,  greater than that.

Penning off;
With hope, joy and aspirations, I live.

 

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